The Trump Presidency: A Look on the Bright Side

Image result for i like ike

(Warning: I get political here, but don’t worry, I’ll go back to normal posts soon.)

If I had to describe the feeling of watching the 2016 election results unfold in a slightly over-dramatic, self-important way, the best comparison for me would be To Kill a Mockingbird.

I’m talking about the court scene where the jury declared Tom Robinson guilty, and he was given a death sentence for committing a crime he so very clearly did not commit. I felt like Scout did in that moment, with the confusion, the disappointment, the injustice of it all. I didn’t, and still don’t understand how 60+ million people could vote for such an obvious Bad Choice. How they could turn away from a flawed, yet undoubtedly smart and qualified woman and instead vote for a man who, amongst other things, lied about muslims in New Jersey cheering at 9/11.

I give this example, instead of all the countless other awful, reprehensible things Adult Joffrey has said and done, because I think it’s one of the worst and it doesn’t get enough attention. The man went in front of a bunch of angry, gullible people, and he gave them an excuse to hate and discriminate against another group of people, people that he knew for a fact were innocent in this regard.

Also, and I feel like this should be focused on more, he has a very punchable face. Not at the Ted Cruz level of smug grossness, but he’s definitely up there.

But I have to remember that To Kill a Mockingbird ended on a hopeful note. (I think. It’s been a while.) And as Atticus Finch once said, “it’s always darkest just before the dawn.” (He did not say this.) So for the sake of my mental health, let’s focus on the bright side, shall we?

1) The next president’s going to seem amazing in comparison.

Literally all he has to do is not throw twitter tantrums at three in the morning, and everyone will think, “Damn, what a classy guy. So glad he won the 2024 election.”

(Too dark? I feel like that was too dark.)

2) We’re probably going to get at least one really badass woman out of this.

I’m talking Joan of Arc levels of awesome here, or someone like Susan B. Anthony. Someone who goes down in the history books as just an all around great person. Personally, I hope its Tammy Duckworth.

She’s an Asian American senator, who’s also a disabled veteran, and I hope she runs for president in 2020, because she’s already done and said some things that made me say, “hot damn that was cool.” Like during a midnight vote to repeal the Affordable Care Act, she said, her voice filled with emotion, “On behalf of the 1.2 million Illinoisans who will lose health insurance with this repeal of the ACA, and for all those with pre-existing conditions, I stand on prosthetic legs to vote NO.”

If you want to watch the video where all the democrats in congress fought and failed against the Obamacare vote a few weeks ago, here it is. I found it incredibly moving.

But to get back to Duckworth and why I think she’d made a great candidate:

  • She literally lost her legs while fighting in the Iraq War, so it’s going to be tough for her opponent to claim she hates the military.
  • “What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my awesome prosthetic legs, which I got from risking my life for this country.” —what I would say in a debate, if I were her.
  • For the most part I approve of her voting record.
  • She doesn’t have any email scandals that I’m aware of.
  • She has a goofy, but likable name. It’s the type of name that sticks with you, and in the early stages of campaigning, name recognition is always important.

3) When bored, you can always play “Find the minority!” during Trump’s speeches.

It’s a depressing game, but it’s still a game, and games are fun. Whenever you see a crowd of his supporters on TV, look around for someone who isn’t white and see how long it takes before you find one. I played it during his inauguration the other day and the first black person I saw was actually, in fact, a horse. (I gave up after five minutes.)

Or you can play that drinking game where you take a shot every time he lies about an easily provable fact. You’ll be dead before the game ends, so get your arrangements in order first.

4) The Republicans have sort of lost the moral high ground.

I’m biased, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, but I struggle to see how the Republicans could possible continue calling themselves the Family Values party, or the Party of Personal Responsibility. I don’t think this has been the case since at least 2000, but it’s never been more obvious than it is now. They also shouldn’t be allowed to condescendingly call liberals “snowflakes,” considering that they just nominated the world’s whiniest snowflake as the leader of the free world.

Okay, so maybe this isn’t a good thing for any Republicans reading this, (sup guys), but they can rest assured knowing that they have a super-majority, so they don’t actually need the moral high-ground anyway. And if public support wanes, they can always just gerrymander some more, or maybe just keep on gutting the Voting Rights Act, as they’ve already done in several states. And they’ve successfully stolen a Supreme Court Justice, so they’ll be just fine.

(Man, being a Republican must be so nice right now. Maybe I should switch sides.)

5) No matter what happens, there’s no happy ending for Trump.

I think he ran for office with the idea that a) he wasn’t going to win, and/or b) that being president wasn’t actually that hard. I remember back in November hearing him say how surprised he was at just how big of a scope his new job entails, and I recall him making a rather unhappy face when he realized he’d won the election.

Image result for Trump upset he won
Couldn’t find that photo, so here’s another one.

Trump’s going to be miserable with this job, and part of me hope he crashes and burns. That he resigns in disgrace with single-digit approval ratings and he goes down in history as an utter failure. Then we can all look back and say, “hey, remember that time Donald Trump was president? That was weird.”

The only way Trump does get a happy ending is if he does a good job as President, and in that case, we all win. In fact I hope he does so well I end up voting for him in 2020. Do I think this will happen? Nope. But never have I wanted to be proven wrong as much as I do now.

Though let’s be real. If it’s Duckworth vs Anyone, I’m choosing the Duck.

QUACK!

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15 Rants, One Post

Image result for doctor cox
Dr. Cox, the king of rants.

1

I get that a lot of bad things happened in 2016, but this whole “Fuck 2016,” meme is getting old. (It’s been old since at least November, I think.) And really, does anyone believe 2017 is going to be any better? If you consider Trump getting elected to be horrible, do you really think you’re going to hate a Trump presidency any less? And with the baby boomer generation dying off, celebrity deaths are only going to become increasingly common. It’s sad, but so is life, so get used to it.

2

We’re at that time where bloggers are listing their favorite ____s of the year, and I keep seeing posts where people refuse to give an explanation for their choices. For example, I’ll see a post like, “My Five Favorite Books I’ve Read this Year!” and it’ll go:

  1. Book I’ve never heard of.
  2. Book I’ve never heard of.
  3. Book I’ve never heard of.
  4. Book I’ve never heard of.
  5. Book I’ve never heard of.

This list means nothing to me unless you can tell me what the books are about, or at the very least, explain why you liked it. Otherwise, this post is a giant waste of time, and you should be ashamed. 

3

I hate how my interest in politics has slowly turned me into a bitter, resentful person, so much so that I even find myself hating Bernie Sanders, who I used to love. Like, I hear in the news that Bernie’s going to “fight back,” against a Trump presidency, and I hear him saying stuff like, “the revolution is stronger than ever.” And I’m like, “fuck off, Bernie. You’ve accomplished nothing. Go back to naming post offices in your tiny little state of Vermont.” I admit this isn’t fair, but I’m so burnt out that I have no interest in being fair until at least 2018.

(Oh who I am I kidding? I’m not burnt out at all, and I will always love Bernie. May his days be long upon this earth.)

4

Also, why the hell does my candidate never win? In 2008 I wanted McCain to win, in 2012 I wanted Romney to win, (although by that point I was gradually starting to transition into the kale-eating* liberal I am today, so I wasn’t too upset), and in 2016 I wanted Bernie and when he lost I started rooting for Hillary, who cramped up just five yards from the finish line. That 0 for 4. Now what are the odds of that? I did the math and it’s one in sixteen, or 6.3%, which is outrageous. Is this punishment for that time I accidentally ran over a raccoon? I think it is.

* Just want to clarify that I’ve never actually eaten kale in my life.

5

I hate when people use the word “indescribable” to describe something. It’s the ultimate cop-out for writers who are too lazy to put together a decent description. Especially bloggers. Oh, your delicious sandwich had a taste that was indescribable, you say? Well I can’t even begin to describe how angry that sentence made me. Now excuse me while I unfollow your blog and never think of you again. 

(As you can tell, I’m in a bitter mood.)

6

Why does time fly when you’re having fun? That seems like the least convenient time for such a phenomenon to occur. Why can’t it speed up during car rides? Or when I’m at the dentist? Now that I think of it, why does it speed up at all? Time should just stay consistent, alright?

7

Why the hell does Dunkin Donuts keep putting cheese on my bacon egg croissants? I always ask for no cheese, and while the cashier always gets it right, (“no cheese” always shows up on the receipt), the guy making it rarely does. As someone who works in fast food, I must ask, why is Dunkin Donuts in particular so bad at this? Is my order so uncommon that is throws them off? Or do they just not like me because I seem like the type of person who’d bash them on my blog? The world may never know.

8

I’m gonna call bullshit on the idea that if McDonalds’ had to pay their employees fifteen bucks an hour, they’d just replace most of their workers with robots. If they could do that, they’d have done it a long time ago. Twenty years from now, this might be a legitimate concern, and even then, I doubt it; people would boycott the store, the robots would be malfunctioning constantly, and all it takes is one murderous robot rampage to stop the whole thing in its tracks. Trust me, this isn’t going to be an issue.

9

Speaking of McDonalds’, creepy guys everywhere should know that the girl at the drive-thru window does not want to give you her phone number. Just take your food, say thank you, and drive away like a normal person.

10

I loved The Catcher in the Rye, but I find it unnerving when people praise Holden as a rebel; as someone who calls people out on their “phoniness.” This was what I was told about Holden, and after reading the book, I found myself wondering just how the hell anyone got that impression. For one thing, Holden’s an idiot, (that stuck out to me from page one) and his criticisms of other people are almost always shallow and hypocritical. Holden is whiny, stupid and spoiled, but the beauty of the book is that you empathize with him regardless of his many, many flaws. If you read the book and think, “Wow, that Holden kid is a real hero,” then there is something seriously wrong with you.

11

I hate when children are used as props to further someone’s agenda, whatever that agenda may be. Like this photo:

Image result for we need diverse books because I'm beautiful

Now, I am very much in favor of having more diverse books for kids to read, but there is no way in hell that picture is in any way authentic. You just know for a fact that an adult handed the kid that paper and told him to smile for the camera. Hell, I doubt that’s even the kid’s handwriting.

I’m not sure why this bothers me as much it does. I guess it just feels … cheap? Unfair to the kid? Manipulative? I don’t know, but I’m still OUTRAGED.

12

Why do people try to talk all authoritatively over things they don’t know anything about? In high school I took a college-level course in Environmental Studies, and while that hardly makes me an expert on the subject, whenever someone tries to lecture me on how climate change isn’t actually that big of a deal, it becomes immediately and startlingly obvious how uninformed they are. (“But we just had a really cold winter!”)

The same is true for the conflicts going on in the middle east. I don’t really understand what’s going on over there, and I can guarantee you that 95% of Americans don’t either. But that doesn’t stop some people from becoming sudden experts on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict whenever the topic arises. Unless you actually know what you’re talking about, don’t pretend that you do. Instead you might learn something.

13

What’s up with old people and drinking from the hose? (Bear with me on this one.)

As a kid, I’d often hear adults complain about how spoiled and pampered my generation is, and bragging about how, “when I was a kid, we drank water from the hose!” And I’d be like, “Cool. Would you like a medal, sir?” 

Because there is literally nothing impressive at all about drinking from a hose. As someone who did often drink water out of a hose during my childhood summers, I must say that it tasted no different than regular tap water. Albeit, a bit grassier. Did I think I was cool for doing this? No. Will I be bragging to my kids one day for it? Possibly. Either way, this whole thing is stupid, and now I’m thirsty.

14

I hate grass. It’s the most useless plant. Flowers look pretty and smell nice, trees provide shade and comfort, but what does grass do? It just sits there, like a total bum. Go away, grass, no one wants you.

15

I support Colin Kaepernick’s decision to take a knee during the national anthem, but I have one question that has yet to be answered.

Let’s say that America listens to his message, and we collectively take initiatives to stop systematic racism and police brutality and bam! Everything is fixed. My question is: how would he know? It’s going to take at least a couple months for the statistics to come back to show that his protest was successful, which I could imagine being a bit embarrassing for him when he finds out. “So for the last month or so, I’ve been kneeling for no reason? Damn. And my knee is so sore now.”

(This has got to be the dumbest perspective anyone’s ever taken on this topic. Whatever, I’m tired, and I because of my relative obscurity, I can afford to say stupid things.)

That’s all for me. I gotta say, this wasn’t nearly as good as my last 15 rants post.

 

Just Legalize Weed Already, Geez

(Note: the subject of politics comes up in this post. I usually don’t get political on this blog, because the last time I did, I ended up jinxing Bernie Sanders and resetting liberal progress back a generation. Oops. Won’t be making that mistake again. While by the internet’s standards I managed to remain relatively bipartisan here, I still think I should give you a heads up. I also talk about drug use, so if that irks you, remember you were warned.)

Image result for That 70s show pot

I’m going to let you all in on a secret, but you’re going to have to promise not to tell anyone, okay?

I have smoked marijuana before.

I know, this is tough to hear. I know you all thought of me a constant do-gooder, incapable of moral failure, so in order to ease the disappointment I wrote you all a poem:

I tried to resist, but I’m hardly headstrong
I’ve smoked with a joint, a pipe, and a bong.
I know giving in was the move of a fool
But in my defense, it made me look cool.

This isn’t helping, is it?

Okay, so I have no idea what the culture is surrounding pot for all my individual readers. I get the impression that most of my adult followers won’t care, but I could imagine some head-shaking from some of my younger readers.

I also understand, that as a Famous Blogger™ with an impressionable fanbase, it is my responsibility to encourage young people to make healthy decisions when it comes to drug use. Which, yeah, I’m not going to do that. Weed is cool, guys.

When you’re high:

    • Everything is funnier.
    • Music sounds amazing.
    • Bo Burnham is a god.
    • Falling asleep is so easy.
    • They say it kills brain cells, but they neglect to mention that it only kills the weak brain cells, so only the strong cells survive. These strong cells reproduce and create stronger cells, making you a smarter individual overall.
    • Not sure about that last point, but it sounds true. 

Now, when did I first get into bed with Mary Jane, you ask? Well it started near the end of ninth grade, where during lunch a classmate gave me a pot brownie without actually telling me it was a pot brownie. Then another day after school, a group of kids who always hung out on my street corner asked, “Yo Matty B, wanna do the ol’ smoke-a-roo?” I said “nah man, I’m cool.” And they said, “What’s the matter? You scared?” And I said, “Well I’m convinced, hand it over,” and I’ve been a pothead ever since.

[Disclaimer: none of that is true.]

Instead I just smoke occasionally with my friends, around once a week during breaks, and rarely at all during the school year. It’s usually after a poker game, which we play with real money, which is also technically illegal. In my defense, I’m Irish.

(I think I’m just going to blame my Irish roots from now on, every time I make a questionable decision.)

This has been going on for a while, and because I do it all in MODERATION, I have yet to see any negative effects. My short-term memory is no worse than it’s always been, it hasn’t led to any harder drugs like I’ve been told it would, and according to my latest doctor’s appointment, my lungs are healthier than they’ve ever been, which is just weird. There’s no reason for that.

That being said, I hope it’s legalized at a national level. Because for all the stigma surrounding the drug, it’s fairly harmless. Really, the most dangerous part of smoking weed is getting caught smoking  weed, and that doesn’t seem right to me.

750,000 people are arrested for simple marijuana possession in one year alone, which is something that could fuck up a kid’s life, unless of course that kid is white (like me!) or has rich parents (not like me).

(Kind of want to take a moment here to clarify that being white does not make you immune to the negative legal consequences of smoking pot; the odds are just leaning in your favor.)

The worst part is when you take a look at the people running the country, and their own history with drugs. Barack Obama has been relatively open about his history with pot in the past, and he’s also been in favor of getting rid of mandatory minimums and decriminalizing the drug, so he sort of gets a pass, although he hasn’t done as much as he could have.

And then there’s people like Donald Trump. I don’t have evidence of him smoking pot before, but if the debates were any indication he was definitely sniffing cocaine. And yet here he is, hiring an attorney general who wants to double down on enforcing those laws, and with a straight face says things like: “Good people don’t smoke marijuana.”

Really, the only difference between politicians like Bill Clinton, who sort of admitted to smoking in the past but claimed “he didn’t inhale,” (sure), and the thousands of people put in jail each year, is that the politicians got lucky. They were lucky enough to not get caught. Lucky enough to have connections and money so they didn’t have to deal with the consequences that the rest of Americans have to face, thanks to policies they themselves have enacted.

DAMN YOU, FLAWED POLITICAL SYSTEM!

The bright side for potheads is that weed continues to be legalized for recreational use on an individual state level, and if it’s anything like how gay marriage was, it should be approved at a federal level after 37 states or so. #babysteps

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So what do you think? Should it be legalized? Should it stay illegal? And if you enjoyed this post, stay tuned for my next one: “Why the Hell Haven’t We Legalized Crack?”