In Which My Procrastination Reaches Worrying New Heights

Image result for spongebob essay the

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. You see, I decided to buckle down on serious writing a few months ago, so I promised myself I wouldn’t blog about anything until I finished a complete manuscript. The bright side: I wrote sixty-four thousand words thus far. The not-so-bright side: I hit a wall. A big, ugly, brick wall that I have not been able to chisel my way through.

(Is that an overused metaphor? I feel like it is.)

So I came back to the same mistake I always make: I switched to another project.

I’ve found that the hardest part of a novel is not the beginning, or the end, or even the middle. The hardest part is that area before the climax, where everything has to be set up just right. Beginnings, meanwhile, are nice and easy. That’s the part where the readers have no idea what to expect, so you could just throw shit at them and they won’t even mind as long as it’s interesting.

To be fair to myself, at least this time the project I switched to was the sequel, instead of some unrelated story about identical twins selling gum, or about a group of kids who go back in time and are chased by evil time-travelling mercenaries with flimsy motives.

Anyway, here are some things I’ve been doing so far this summer, in my pursuit of not writing:

  • I signed up for the premium option on WordPress. It may be a waste of money, or it may not, but hey, I can get a full refund within the next twenty-nine days. So here’s hoping I don’t forget.
  • I switched the theme of this blog again. What does everyone think? I like it, but there’s no way to put in a side-bar. If someone wants to read an old post of mine, how will they find it? I’ll try and figure that out. 
  • I’m back at McDonald’s again, mainly working the late nights. I’ve been doing a lot of 7 PM to 3 AM shifts, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. On one hand, after seven  o’clock is where you get the most freedom at the job; you could snag all the fries you want and no one will care. But on the other hand, I do hate going to bed past three and waking up around noon every day. But on my third, grossly deformed hand: the seven to three shift goes by much faster than any other shift, because there’s so much to do and less people to do it. That sounds like a negative but it’s not. The more there is to do, the faster time flies.
  • I started watching American Gods, which has been amazing so far. I remember hearing that the show would go on for five seasons and I thought, “how could they stretch out one book for that long?” but it turns out I’m a fool for questioning the writers, because they’ve done a terrific job. 10/10, would watch again.
  • I also got into It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, which is kind of like Seinfeld, in that it follows a group of self-centered assholes who never learn from their mistakes. It’s hysterical, but Danny DeVito hasn’t even shown up yet. Where is he? I was told he’d be here.

Anyway, hello again, and thank you to those who’ve stuck around all these years. You’re the best. I know I haven’t been the most consistent blogger, but I do hope to get back into the swing of things here. At the very least, I hope you enjoy it while it lasts.

Advertisements

Storytelling Tips Learned from The Leftovers

Image result for the leftover living reminders

I’ve watched a lot of TV shows in my life, and every once in a while one of them comes along and makes everything else look like trash. One such show was season 2 of The Leftovers, which managed to be better than its first season in every conceivable way.

A quick summary: The Leftovers is a show that’s about dealing with ambiguous loss. On October 14th, 2011, 2% of the world’s population — with no correlation whatsoever between them — just vanished into thin air at the same time. No one knows why it happened, who is responsible, or what even happened to the people that vanished. Where did they go? Are they ever coming back? Will this happen again? The writers have no intention of answering these questions and personally I hope they never do.

This may not seem like your type of show, but if you’ve ever dealt with the loss of a family member, a friend, anyone you cared about. If you’ve ever dealt with depression, or if you’ve ever just been sad about something at all at any point in your life, you will connect with this show on some level.

In my case, I connected a little too deeply, and I was pretty much an emotional wreck after every episode. It changed the way I thought about my own writing, and it also redefined my perspective on life itself. 

(To be fair, my perspective on life changes about once every week .)

For this post I’m just gonna be focusing on the writing portion, as I bequeath to you some of tips I took from this show:

TV-Cap: ASH VS EVIL DEAD at Comic-Con, THE LEFTOVERS Season 2 Trailer, & More

Don’t be afraid to shake things up.

The show’s first season took place in a small town in upstate New York. It was a stand-in for the rest of the world. “Anytown, USA,” it might as well have been called. We followed the characters there for eight or nine months, getting to know and understand them as they got into various hijinks and tomfoolery.

And then the first episode of season 2 comes along and the focus of the show moves thousands of miles away to the town of Jarden, Texas. The opening episode focuses on a set of characters we’ve never met before. You don’t see a single familiar face until you’re forty-five minutes in. Jarring as all hell, but it worked.

But it wasn’t just the setting that changed: the tone changed, the lighting changed, even the opening credits changed drastically in a way that I can’t remember seeing before. Here’s the opening to the first season: 

And now here’s the second one:

Changing so much about the show was a pretty ballsy move, I think we can all agree, and yet it paid off better than anyone could’ve expected, with a show currently being praised by critics and viewers alike as one of the best on TV.

Image result for the leftover international assassin

Not everything has to be explained.

In one episode we watch a character have a friendly conversation with her new neighbor, one that ends with no apparent conflict between them. The very next scene we watch as she casually walks up to the neighbor’s house, picks up a rock, and throws it straight through the neighbor’s window.

The show never outright explains why she decided to suddenly vandalize her neighbors’ house, but the audience is left to figure it out for themselves, even though there’s more than one possible conclusion for the audience to draw. The show trusts the viewers to figure shit out on their own and allows them to interpret things in different ways, and so should you.

Image result for the leftovers goat

Some things probably should be explained.

The guy who wrote The Leftovers is Damon Lindelof, who also wrote the show Lost. As a result, he has a bit of a reputation for setting up mysteries without actually resolving them in a satisfactory way. So when he decided to write another show centering around a mystery that he has admitted from the beginning would never be explained, he got an understandable amount of flak from pissed off Lost fans.

And yet, the second season of the show introduced several mysteries at once, including one really juicy one. A mystery so juicy it might as well have been a porterhouse steak. For weeks and weeks I scrolled through dozens (hundreds?) of different theories regarding it, and not only were a: none of them were right, but b: the mystery was handled in such a jaw-dropping, game-changing way that I couldn’t even sleep afterwards. And I love to sleep.

The lesson here is that you can keep things ambiguous if you want, but you need to have a good grasp on what should be answered and what doesn’t have to be. The Leftovers is a show that’s very premise is an unanswered question, but it remains satisfying because when it comes to big reveals, it never drops the ball. 

Image result for the leftovers the murphys

Tell a joke for once.

While I can fanboy about this show for ages, and could probably write a novel-length essay analyzing it scene to scene, I must admit that at one point, I was thinking about quitting the show.

Around halfway through the first season, I was getting wary. The show was so dark. All the characters seemed to be digging themselves deeper and deeper into their own misery. The show at that point was utterly humorless. Humorless and hopeless, it seemed; the two worst things a story could be. 

But luckily the writers seemed to figure this out, because they started to inject some much-needed humor into the characters. And then they gave the characters hope within all the sadness, and it was raw and beautiful and cathartic and no I am not crying right now, I just have something in my eye, so shut up.

Image result for the leftovers iconic images

Make every moment count.

You could tell a story’s well-done if you can’t think of a single thing you’d cut. This wasn’t case for the first four or five episodes, (which is why it’s the weakest part of the show), but re-watching the season 2 premiere, it’s amazing to see just how important every single moment turned out to be. Every odd detail, every facial expression. They even managed to turn a stupid knock knock joke into hardcore foreshadowing. (Yes. Hardcore.)

Image result for stop wasting your breath

Not all dystopian stories have to involve an evil government that needs to be overthrown.

I remember seeing a review for The Leftovers describing the series as a dystopia, and I remember thinking, “Hm, I guess it is kind of dystopian.” After all, it was about an alternate version of the world, where mysterious cults are rising up all over the U.S., and the government has no problem with killing them off if need be. 

When I usually think of Dystopian stories, I think of V for Vendetta, or The Hunger Games: where the world is terrible, but at least the readers know who’s to blame. But in The Leftovers, the world can’t be fixed by blowing up buildings, or shooting people with an arrow. The world’s broken because each and every person in it is broken. It’s a dark premise, but I think it’s much more compelling than most of the dystopian books and movies I’m so used to seeing.

_____

I’m going to be honest, guys. This was less about writing tips, and more about how much I love this show. Watch it. It’s lit.

The Little Engine Tag: (That’s right. I’m starting my own tag)

So I did an award post a couple months ago, and a thought occurred to me while filling it out: why can’t I make my own blog tag thingy? For one thing, I’d make sure all the questions are actually fun and thought-provoking, and can’t simply be answered with a boring one or two word answer, which is often the case. Also, I’d get free publicity! And I’d provide all those suffering from writer’s block some much-needed relief.

(I hear writer’s block is at its worst in the spring. Okay so I made that up, but it’s probably true.)

So I went ahead and invented my own blog tag, and here it is.

It’s called the Little Engine tag, because why not? The picture above is to be included in all future responses to this tag, unless the blogger in question simply doesn’t want to include it. In that case I am powerless to stop them.

Naturally, there are some rules to this tag, namely:

  1. Each answer you give to a question has to be more than two sentences long. Or at the very least, you have to make those two sentences meaningful.
  2. There will be two bonus questions at the end, that the blogger gets to change to whatever they want to ask when they nominate someone else. The first six questions, however, are set in stone.
  3. At the end you must nominate three to five other bloggers. Okay, so you don’t have to, but that would be nice if you could. (I want my blog name to spread on for all of eternity.)
  4. You know how sometimes in quiet classrooms, they’ll be that one guy clicking his pen fifty times a second, and it’s annoying as hell to everyone else? Yeah, don’t be that guy. This doesn’t apply to this tag so much, but more to life in general.

Now, onto the questions, which are:

1.) What’s one of your biggest pet peeves?

(This question was designed to let you rant about something people do that bugs you. For example:)

I for one, hate when people call me “buddy.” It just always feels condescending, even when it isn’t mean to be. I also hate people call me “dumbass,” for more obvious reasons.

2) What is your favorite song at the moment?

(I included this question because I want to be exposed to more music.)

One song that’s been consistently in my head for the past six months is Where is my Mind? by the Pixies. I heard it on The Leftovers and I’ve been loving it ever since. It is the perfect song to bob your head to.

3) Who is your favorite blogger?

(Besides me, of course.)

Right now I’d pick The Mostly Confused Teenager, despite the fact that she hasn’t posted for a while. It’s just that many of her posts like “Those Crazy American Commercials” and “Being French,” are hilarious and well-written and I would like to get more of them, please.

4) What’s the nicest thing you’ve seen someone do recently?

(You can also write about something you did, if you want.)

There was a little kid in a wheelchair at McDonald’s the other day who went up to the counter alone and asked for an ice cream cone. The problem was that he couldn’t hold the cone and still steer back to his table at the same time, so my manager went over and helped him out, despite the restaurant being very busy at the time. This surprised me because said manager is usually a very rude, standoffish woman, but apparently she has a soft spot for handicapped little kids. (Then again, who doesn’t?) So this was a nice heartwarming moment in an otherwise terrible day.

5) What’s something you regret doing?

(Note: don’t pick something that you regret not doing, because those are usually more painful than funny.)

I regret buying an HP printer, because those are the worst, because I have never not had a problem with it since the moment I first set it up.

I also regret giving my friend one of my lottery tickets.

6) If you could take only three items with you to a deserted island, what would they be, and why?

I for one would take my High School Musical 2 dvd, because Troy and Gabriella are my OTP. Then I guess I’d take some scissors, in case I need a haircut. Oh, and a pen cap to chew on. 

Pfft, this is so easy.

Now for the bonus questions: (Remember, you can change these to something else if you write your own post.

7) What past fad do you think should make a comeback?

Personally, I hope planking becomes a thing again. I find it hysterical. Remember this, anyone?

8) How would you describe the perfect date?

Mine would be: drive in theater, with the movie being Stephen King’s IT: Part One. Obviously this would never happen, but hey, I could dream.

And now for the nominations. You could nominate anywhere from three to five people, or not at all. But because I’m trying to start a new trend, I’m going to nominating quite a few, and I’ll be calling them out by name.

  • Engie, from Musings from Neville’s Navel. I know you’re busy with college and all, but screw college! This tag is much more important.
  • Liam, from This Page Intentionally Left Blank. I know you’re busy battling pirates and sea monsters right now, but as they say, the pen is mightier than the sword. Likewise, this tag is mightier than anything you could possibly be doing, so drop everything and get on it.
  • Susannah from Susannah Contra Mundum, because of your Lilo and Stitch GIFs.
  • Gwendolyn, from Apprentice, Never Master, because you didn’t actually think you’d be able to get out of this post unscathed, did you?
  • Shanti, from Virtually Read. I know you just did an award post, but technically this isn’t an award post. It’s an inconvenience more than anything else. 
  • Katie, from Spiral Bound. You are my mortal enemy, and hopefully you’ll expose a weakness by answering my questions. 
  • Confused Teen from The Mostly Confused Teenager, because the blogosphere needs you back. 
  • Kedslover from Alternative Sunny Days, because you are chiller than an ice cream cone.
  • Derek, from The Edwards Edition. Where you been, man? And don’t use life as an excuse, because I already called dibs on that one.
  • Literary and Lovely, from Literary and Lovely. I approve of your use of calculators.
  • Evi, at Adventures Through Pages. This is punishment for posting almost as inconsistently as me.
  • Aspen at AKA The Author. I read you were sick with laryngitis, so I decided to make life worse for you by pressuring you into this. 
  • Elm from Just Call me Elm or Something. If you were an actual elm tree, I probably wouldn’t chop you down unless absolutely necessary. 

Well, that’s ten people. Hopefully enough to spread this tag across the universe. I probably forgot someone really important to nominate, so if you’re one of those people I missed, I’m very sorry, and feel free to do this tag anyway, because you deserve it.

10 Things I’m Looking Forward to in 2016

“But Matt!” you say. “It’s eighteen days into the new year, and you’re only just now writing this post?”

Well in my defense, I was busy. Also, it was cold outside, and I was distracted by the lack of snow.

Well, here it goes.

1) Ski Club!

Fun fact: I have not actually been to a mountain yet this year, in part due to the complete and utter lack of snow so far. Thanks a lot, El Niño!

“My bad.”–Current El Nino

But hopefully they’ll be at least a little bit of snow soon, and I’ll be able to finally complete my transformation into the next Shawn White.

2) Finally getting to read The Winds of Winter

Is it considered a jinx if I just assume that the next book in A Song of Ice and Fire will be released this year? Well too bad, because if I don’t tell myself that, I will have to cry. And I am one ugly crier, I’ll tell you that. 

Oh, and is anyone willing to bet on the release date? Because my money’s on August 19th.

3) The completion of The Raven Cycle, by Maggie Stiefvater.

I can hear some of you saying things along the lines of, “But I haven’t read these books, so I can’t relate!” To which I say, “Well, you should probably get on that, real quick.”

Poot, Bodie, D’Angelo and Wallace are on a quest to find a mythical welsh king.

These books are magical, and they sort of remind me of HBO’s The Wire, which may seem ridiculous to anyone who’s seen The Wire and has read these books, but hear me out: the pacing, man. Maggie’s pacing in the first three books, at least, is so similar to the pacing of any season of The Wire (particularly seasons 1, 3, and 5), in that it’s extremely patient, and the moment you start to feel like not much is happening, everything starts happening at once, in a way that doesn’t seem rushed at all. The way both stories build momentum is nothing short of stunning. 

4) A Plethora of TV shows.

Orange is the New Black, Daredevil, Jessica Jones, Veep, The Walking Dead, possibly The Leftovers, all are coming back this year, and it’s going to be awesome. (Well, except for maybe the Walking Dead, but I’ll be watching it either way.) 

There’s also a TV adaptation of Stephen King’s time travel novel 11/23/63, starring James Motherfucking Franco, so that should be cool. 

I’m also hoping for a mini-series based on Stephen King’s It and The Stand, but that’s probably not going to happen. 

5) Finally finding out if those colleges accepted me or not.

I’ve gotten one acceptance letter so far, and another one didn’t decline me, but they instead put me on a waiting list. So that leaves three colleges of whom I shall patiently wait for a reply. 

This patient waiting has so far consisted of staying within view of my mailbox from 11 to 3 every day, and rushing outside the moment I see the mailman show up. I then open up said mailbox, only to be disappointed by the lack of large envelopes inside. 

Look at all these happy white people.

6) College!

I choose to believe that college is nothing but nonstop drugs, sex, and partying, and will continue to think of it as such until I actually get there, where I will promptly discover that I was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRRRREEECT! (#ooorah)

I know you can’t see me right now, but rest assured that I am currently fist-pumping in the air as hard as I can. And now I’m chugging an entire bottle of vodka, just to prepare myself for the binge-drinking that will be required of me in several months. Where did I get this vodka? I don’t remember, but it tastes like what mouth wash would’ve tasted like had it been mixed in hand sanitizer first.

Bernie wins the election for this look alone.

7) The Presidential Election.

I’ll be eligible to vote for the first time this year, and I definitely will, mostly because well, why would anyone not vote if given the chance? 

I haven’t watched any of the GOP debates. Well, I have, but I had to stop after just a little bit, because I was getting some serious 1984 vibes from it, and it was unnerving. The last democratic debate (basically, the only one I’ve watched in full), was a lot more bearable, although holy shit guys, the moderators had such an obvious bias against Martin O’Malley, it was just plain sad. (Why let the guy on stage at all if you’re not going to let him speak?) 

8) A spacecraft is totally going to land on Jupiter.

Fun fact: NASA has released a spacecraft that is set to land in that giant-ass planet in July, so that’s pretty cool.

And you should know that the fact that I’m now listing things that have no effect on me means that I am out of ideas, and am completely phoning in the last three bullet points.

9) The Summer Olympics!

I’mma be honest. I’d forgotten that the Olympics were even a thing that exists, but now that I’m reminded of it, I couldn’t be more pumped. Is Michael Phelps going to compete again? Will Usain Bolt run super duper fast this time or just super fast? Will anyone actually watch the golf tournament? Only time will tell.

10) The Super Bowl

Was it just me, or were last year’s advertisements for the super bowl really, really bad? I remember thinking, “Come on Coke. Come on Bud Light, Doritos, Ford, etc.. You spend millions of dollars per second on these ads and this is the best you could do? I’m disappointed. You all disgust me.”

Hopefully those companies will actually put some goddamn effort in this time.

____

Well, that’s all I could think of. How do you feel about this list? What are you looking forward to this year? Also, am I a terrible person, or is this GoDaddy commercial not the funniest thing ever? It was withdrawn from the Superbowl due to OUTRAGE and to be honest, I don’t really get why it’s so offensive. It’s shocking, definitely, but much better than the obvious sexism shown in all their other commercials.

Oh well. Maybe I am just a terrible person.

I Finally Saw the New Star Wars Movie and it Was Glorious

I’m gonna be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of Star Wars. I watched all of them multiple times as a kid, and I read the surprisingly-really-good novelizations for all of them. But then I lost interest around seventh grade and I’ve barely thought about them since. I watched a bit of Attack of the Clones a few months ago and had to turn it off, because those Anakin/Padme scenes were just so painful to watch. 

And then I found out that The Force Awakens was supposed to play in December of 2015, and I just sort of shrugged at the news. I had stopped caring about that franchise a while ago, and this new movie would need to be really, really good in order to get me back into it.

I remember seeing the first teaser for it, and I honestly thought it was a joke trailer at first. For a few reasons, really:

  1. For some reason I had trouble imagining a legitimate Star Wars movie with a black guy as the main character. I’m not sure if this says more about me or the franchise, but I’m ready to admit that I was a tad bit somewhat kind of extremely wrong.
  2. I figured that the stormtroopers were all clones of Jango Fett, so it was impossible for any of the stormtroopers to look like non-Jango Fetts. As it turns out, I was totally wrong on this regard. (Abysmal, my Star Wars knowledge is.)
  3. BB-8 looked like an adorable soccer ball, and when I saw him I started to wonder if this was some sort of advertisement for FIFA.
  4. Also, something about the music made me doubtful.

Then I watched the main trailer, and I was feeling pretty meh about it until that score started playing. You know the one. (Da, daaaa, dah duh daah, duuhhhhhh. Duh daaah duh da dah dadadaaaahhh.) And suddenly I was hyped.

“I will watch this movie,” I said to myself. “For the music, mostly.”

The soundtrack was beautiful, by the way, but that wasn’t even the best part.

No, the best part was this little guy:

I was rooting for this guy the moment he showed up on screen. He was just so loyal, and sweet, and hilarious. He’s like a dog, except smarter and cooler and significantly rounder. The only droid who’d give him a run for his money is R2D2, so that scene where the two of them interacting was one of my favorites in the movie. 

The second best part of this movie was Rey:

Image result for rey star wars

This girl was great. So great, in fact, that she started leaning towards a Mary Sue pretty early in the movie. Oh who am I kidding, she totally was a bit of a Mary Sue. She’s great at everything, doesn’t have any real flaws, and she can hold her own in a lightsaber duel with a trained Jedi despite having no actual training herself. (Or does she?) 

I don’t even care though, cause she was fantastic the whole way through. There’s a whole bunch of theories regarding her parentage, but I for one am hoping she’s not related to anyone important. This whole, “Every major character is the parent/child of another major character,” thing is getting old real fast.

And then there’s Finn. Finn was likable and funny the whole way through, although I must say that I find it weird that he doesn’t seem to have any guilt after all those stormtroopers he kills during the movie. He knows that these are people who’ve been taken from their families when they were young and programmed to fight for the First Order, just like him. Some of them may be feeling the same things he felt in the beginning of the movie, but they don’t know how to get themselves out because unlike Finn, they didn’t have a handsome smooth-talking pilot dude nearby to help them escape.

He should’ve been a bit more conflicted, I think. This is a man who’d been conditioned since childhood to serve the First Order without question. He shouldn’t be able to break free from that so easily without any lingering doubts.

I don’t give a hoot, though. Because all of the main characters were decently well-written, likable, and well-acted, which is more than I can say for any of the prequel characters. And I think we should all take a moment to appreciate the fact that there is now a Star Wars movie centering around a woman and a black guy. This shouldn’t be impressive, (#nowomenofcolorinsight) but it sort of actually kind of is. 

This movie was also something that the prequels totally forgot to be: it was fun. So much fun. I was enjoying myself from the very first scene to the very last, whereas the prequels just sort of dragged on forever and ever. The movie was apparently 2 hours and 15 minutes long, but it felt closer to an hour and a half for me, and I’m pretty sure that’s a good thing. 

Overall rating: 9/10.

Keep in mind that I’m easily impressed.

Ten Things I’ve Done This Holiday Season

20151222_200046.jpg

1.) I bought a reindeer. It looks cute.

2) I watched The Leftovers Season 2, and I’m starting to wonder if that show was written with me specifically in mind. Because it was perfect. It was everything I love about TV and storytelling in general wrapped up in ten hour-long episodes, although episodes seems like the wrong word to describe them. They’re more like mini-movies, except with better acting, writing, and production values than the majority of movies out there.

3) I applied to several colleges. Haven’t heard back from any of them yet, which probably means they’ve decided that, “An acceptance letter isn’t enough for this kid, we need to drive over to his house and tell him the good news ourselves.”

Yes, that must be it.

4) I got in a surprisingly violent fist fight. It had a happy ending to it though, so all is well.

5) I’ve also decided that I’d make a pretty beastly action hero, because during said fight my arm had apparently been clawed at with tiger-like nails. I have quite-possibly-permanent scars on my arm now, and yet I didn’t even notice the injury until a good half-hour afterward.

Hold on a second. Am I Jessica Jones?

Nope. No I’m not.

6) I saw Mockingjay: Part 2, and loved all of it, except maybe the final scene. It seemed a bit too happy and simple, considering the tone of the rest of the movie. This didn’t stop me from getting all defensive however, when one of my peers called it the worst movie he’d ever seen. (Refer back to #4.)

(Just kidding, guys. I didn’t actually get in a fistfight over a movie. It was actually caused by spilled water.)

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

7) I sold my old laptop and bought a new one instead. What type of laptop, you ask? Well, it’s obviously an Asus Chromebook Flip C100PA. Duh. Not to brag or anything, but it’s pretty much the greatest laptop in the world, and that includes all laptops from the past, present, future and any/all undiscovered dimensions/parallel universes. The best part is that the Chromebook cost half as much as my old laptop, and yet it’s so much better in every way. 

And yes: Google is, in fact, paying me to say all this. 

 

8) There’s a Secret Santa sort of thing going on my job, and I have to give a gift to this girl I don’t actually know very well. So I bought her a wooden reindeer sculpture (see above) and some Christmas-themed cookies, because if she’s anything like me, she likes reindeer and she also needs food to live.

9) I’ve found a group of friends to play Poker with every week, which is one of my life goals, so yeah, I’d consider this a win.

10) I’ve found another quality anti-joke. I apologize in advance for the profanity within, but it’s definitely worth it:

A man walks into a control room. There is a big red button labeled “Nuclear Launch Button.” He walks up and presses it.

A display screen next to the button reads “Input password.” There is a number panel below the screen. He searches around the room, and finds a locked desk. He jimmies it open, and rummages around through it. Inside there is a sheet of paper which says, “Nuclear launch password: 7831662”

He returns to the number panel, and punches in 7831662. The display screen says “Code confirmed. Press again to launch.” He presses the button again. “Launching nuclear arsenal.”

He stares at the screen in shock. “Aw shit…. I fucked up.”

So, what have you done in the past month or so? More importantly, what do tigers dream of when they take a little tiger snooze? I would very much like to know. 

In Which I Return From my Absense in a Blaze of Glory

jericho-missile

I’ve been on random hiatuses so many times now that I’m pretty sure you could call me a pro at it. In fact, whenever a blogger spontaneously disappears, I think it would be fair game to say that they are “pulling a Matt.”

I’m really hoping I just coined a phrase right there.

But thanks to all my other various hiatuses in the past, I know exactly what to expect on my return. For one thing, I know that my first post back isn’t going to get a whole lot of views or comments, and it’s only after the second or third one that the stats page stops looking so sad and hideous.

My stats will likely remain lower than normal anyway, if only because, based on my past three(!) years of blogging, my stats are always lower during the holiday season. Apparently you people consider spending time with your family more important than reading my blog.

*scoffs* You all sicken me.

It’s always a bit hard to deal with, but the good news about this is that I could pretty much wing it for this post and they’ll be little to no consequences. So sit back and enjoy as I basically just list a bunch of things I’ve done in the past few weeks or so. Feel free to not even bother reading this post, I wouldn’t blame you.

—I’ve become a hardcore fanboy of this show called, “The Leftovers,” which was pretty much the greatest show on television right now. Of course, I haven’t actually watched every single show currently on TV, but I still consider myself qualified to make that sort of statement.

—I’ve come to the conclusion that everyone reading this should, after clicking that like button, immediately subscribe to HBO and watch all the available episodes of The Leftovers, right now.

“But what about Jessica Jones!?” you ask.

Okay, first you can watch Jessica Jones, but then you have to go straight to The Leftovers once you finish. The first season of the show was a wee bit divisive, and even I’ll admit it was a bit slow and melodramatic in the beginning, but after that glorious sixth episode I knew I would be a fan of this show for as long as it was on. Every single episode since then has a been an hour long masterpiece.

And while Jessica Jones has received lots of media attention and is pretty much guaranteed to be renewed for another season, The Leftovers is not so lucky. Its ratings are terrible, and if they don’t go up soon I might not get to see a third season, and I don’t think I could handle that. Because honestly, I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this excited over a TV show.

*checks diary*

I believe the last time was Lost, season 5. And before that, there was nothing. 

In other news:

— I discovered that jazz music is the perfect music to write to, because it just sort of blends into the background. You don’t even notice it. And when you do notice it, you don’t even mind because you’re too busy thinking, “Daaaamn, that saxophone is fire!”

— This site keeps popping up on my phone saying: “Warning: Your phone has been infected by a deadly virus! Download this app to get rid of it!” And I can’t help but suspect that the app itself is a virus. What do I do?

— I’ve been very busy with school, work, college applications, and surprise dentist appointments lately. I also find it increasingly hard to get out of the bed in the morning, solely because it’s too goddamn cold.

— Did I mention that I’m working 10 AM to 2 PM on Thanksgiving? (Speaking of which, is McDonald’s busy on Thanksgiving mornings? I feel like it is.)

—I’ll be watching Mockingjay: Part 2 on Saturday, so keep your eyes on the horizon for a review.

—There probably won’t be a review, but still. Keep your hopes up anyway.

—You know that story about the ice cream truck killer I was writing? Well it turns out to be a bit longer than I expected, and I’m not sure how I’d be able to divide it into a series of posts, unless you guys are open to reading three to four thousands words at a time. Let me know, bro.

— To end this horrific excuse for a post, here’s the opening scene of The Leftovers, just to intrigue you all further.

Just watch the show already.