If you considered my life a never-ending battle against social awkwardness, then this year was certainly a step in the right direction. That being said, there was still a few moments that were as cringe-worthy as a bad Doctor Who episode. And here I shall recall some of them for your amusement. To start off:
That time I handed in my Environmental notes without reading them over first.
In the beginning of the school year, my environmental teacher had us read over chapter 1 of the textbook and take notes of it. I have no recollection, however, of him telling us to write an outline of said chapter and having to hand the paper in. So I just assumed the notes I’d taken were my eyes and my eyes only.
Fun fact about me: I like to make my notes interesting, by adding little things to them to make them more entertaining for my sake. Some of these things aren’t exactly school appropriate. Take, for example, my notes on the pollution rates of undeveloped countries:
“Regulations in still-developing countries aren’t usually as strict, mostly because no one over there really gives a shit.”
There was also a section covering the increasing mortality rates of frogs world-wide, and in the corner of the page, I had written in “fuck the frogs!” in parenthesis’s, presumably because I have the sense of humor of a twelve-year old.
But I didn’t want to disappoint my teacher on the first week of school, so I handed in these notes, writing a half-explanation, half-apology at the bottom, saying that I didn’t realize it was supposed to be handed in, which explains the lack of professionalism shown. I’d completely forgotten about the two examples above, and never actually crossed them out. It was only until after he handed the notes back that I remembered.
In red pen, he underlined the “fuck the frogs” part and added a giant question mark right next to it. And under the part about the undeveloped countries (I like to think he sat there for a while in a stunned silence after reading them.) he responded in judgmental red pen: “Uh . . . some do!”
Still got a passing grade on it though, (huzzah!) and he seemed more upset with the fact that it wasn’t a proper outline than he was with the profanity within. So that’s nice.
That time I pissed off an entire elevator.
Have I mentioned yet that I went to Niagara Falls this summer? Because I did, and it was awesome. I also stayed in a really nice hotel that had a view of the falls. The only real problem with it was the elevator.
Every time the elevator went up you could feel all the organs in your body push down inside you. And once it came to a stop, you feel them jump back up into place. Twas the most nauseating experience ever, I say.
So at one point I walked into the elevator on floor eleven, having to get to floor twelve. I got into a crowded, unhappy elevator filled with angry, unforgiving eyes. “What floor?” the guy closest to the button asked.
“You couldn’t have just walked?” he said.
Shit. He’s right.
I quietly apologized, (apology was followed by complete and utter silence), and my face was all red the whole twelve seconds up. I would’ve left the elevator beforehand, but he’d already pressed the button, so it was too late.
Thanks to me, everyone on that elevator had to experience that horrible, stomach-dropping experience two more times than they actually should’ve had to. I felt terrible.
I got over it, though. You know what I didn’t get over, though?
That time I accidentally killed a human being.
Okay, so this never happened. I did, however, kill a raccoon by accident. And that was upsetting because I saw it the second before I hit it. I tried to slow down before realizing that it would be impossible to stop in time, so I tried to swerve out of the way, to no avail. I could still feel the bump of the wheel hitting the poor guy.
And I know you guys aren’t going to believe me on this, but on the exact same drive home I almost hit an owl as well. A really white owl flew right by my window as I was driving down a long, windy road with no lights. This was especially strange, considering I don’t recall ever seeing an owl in the wild so up-close before, especially not one as white and big as this one. Hell, I didn’t even know that type of animal even lived in my area.
“Have all the animals gone mad?” I wondered. “Why are they all throwing themselves at my car all of a sudden?”
Alas, I’ll never know what was going on that night. I like to think it had to do with some sort of supernatural occurrence within my town. Either way, I ended up driving a good fifteen miles under the speed limit the rest of the way home, just to be safe.
That Time I Couldn’t Remember Any Other Uncomfortable Moments.
Oh, wait. That’s now.
Sorry everybody, but that’s the end of this post. Perhaps I’ll think of more cringe-inducing moments in the future, but until then, all you’re left with is my “Tragic Stories From Matt’s Childhood,” page, which does include a few painful moments.
Otherwise, have a fantastic day, everyone.