In Which I Spend New Year’s Eve Completely Alone

Frank Sinatra has very little to do with the content of this post.

New Year’s Eve is probably my least favorite of the holidays, if only because of how ridiculously anti-climactic it is. Even more so if you’re one of those idiots who wait outside Times Square for six hours just to watch the ball drop:

“. . . Four! Three! Two! One!!!” *thirty seconds of celebration* “Well, that’s pretty much it. Time to go home, kids.”

That being said, I’ve always done something for New Year’s Eve. My past memories of the holiday are filled with balloons, hats, and glasses designed as the subsequent year. (Those unfortunately went out of style once 2010 hit.)  Every year I’ve been doing something fun, something at least slightly memorable, but this year I started off 2016 in what most sitcoms would agree is the saddest way possible: alone.

This wasn’t due to a lack of options, however. I actually had two of them available: 1) spend the night at my aunt and uncle’s house, or 2) go to one of my friend’s house instead.

Pros and Cons of Option 1:

Pro: There will probably be m&m’s available.

Pro: My family will be there, and family is important, I’m always being told. Something about blood being thicker than water, or something.

Con: It’s undoubtedly going to very boring.

Con: No beer, either.

Con: I’d be the only teenager there, and I can already hear the judgement from my cool uncle. “So, you don’t have any friends, huh?” he’d say to me. And I’d be like, “No, I have plenty of friends, I just didn’t want to hang out with them right now,” and he’d be all, “Yeah, Matt, I’m sure that’s the case.” He’d pat me on the head. “I’m sure you’re the most popular kid in school.”

Pros and Cons of Option 2:

Pro: Beer.

Pro: Most of the people there are slightly more interesting than my actual family members.

Pro: The host has Super Mario Kart, and if I’m slick enough, I might be able to pull the ol’ snagaroony if I get the chance.

Con: There will be at least one person at the party who I simply do not like. That’s kind it.


So I was contemplating these two alternatives, and suddenly an idea hit me. What if — and I know this is going to sound crazy, but — what if I don’t go to either one? What if I spend New Year’s Eve alone? I could actually get some homework done for once, work on that novel I was supposed to finish, like three years ago. I could even watch TV that wasn’t the countdown to the ball drop in Times Square! It was such a strange experience, considering this possibility, almost like I was seeing colors I’ve never seen before.

(Was that a clichéd comparison? I feel like it was. The point is, I am a genius for figuring this all out.)

I doubt my parents would be willing to leave me home alone for New Year’s Eve, (My older brother was left at home once, ended up throwing a party and therefore ruining everything for everyone.) so I told them I was going to Option 2. I left the house just before they did and instead of going to said party, I went to a nearby gas station.

I walked into the gas station and bought some vitamin water and some candy, and the cashier asked me if I wanted to buy a membership card. I politely declined, and asked him if I could buy some blueberry-flavored wraps. He impolitely declined, and told me to get out of his store.

I drove around for a bit, just to be safe, and then went back home and sat down in the living room. I had the TV playing at a low temperature while I basically just typed away into the laptop for two hours, taking short breaks to eat candy and drink vitamin water.

Also, I discovered some shrimp in the freezer, and promptly went about devouring it all.

It was awesome.

I think the moral of this story, if you could call it a story, is that there’s no shame in spending the holidays, alone. It’s actually much more fun than spending it with people. But if you do end up spending them alone, feel free to use this fact to provoke pity in other people. Hopefully they’ll give you food, thinking that it’ll make you feel better.

So, how did you (yes, you) spend New Year’s Eve? More importantly, how do you whistle? Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how to whistle.

And now to end this post with a literal bang:


4 thoughts on “In Which I Spend New Year’s Eve Completely Alone

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