So the Craziest Thing Happened Last Night

An actual real-life photo

I was about to go to sleep, when I opened up my eyes to see a giant ass spider hanging above my face. I quickly rolled out of the bed, turned on the lights, and regarded the slightly-larger-than-average creature, which was still hanging there by a single web.

“Hello, Mr. Spider.”

“Hello, Matt.”

“Whatcha up to?” 

“Nothing, just . . . hanging around.”

“Oh,” I said. “Well, it’s kind of making me uncomfortable, would you mind hanging some place else?”

“Oh,” Mr. Spider said, sounding genuinely hurt and embarrassed. “I’m making you uncomfortable?”

I observed my feet and sort of half smiled in order to lighten the blow, “Yeah, you kind of are.”

Mr. Spider suddenly rose up the web so he was at eye level with me, and his voice deepened and grew darker and more mysterious. “What are you gonna do about it?” He taunted, his voice growing louder like thunder: “THIS IS MY BEDROOM NOW. I AM THE DARK LORD OF ULDAR, AND NO MORTAL BEING COULD POSSIBLY DEFY ME. NOW RUN ALONG, YOU TWO-LEGGED FILTH, LEAVE THIS ROOM AND MAYBE I WON’T SUCK THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS—“

It was at this point that I took my brother’s old physics textbook, opened it up and closed it around him, crushing him, eight legs and all. I put the textbook away and went back to sleep. “Spiders are stupid.”


In other news: You know that “Sarcastic vs Genuine” quiz I posted awhile back? Well, here’s the answer key:

  1. Sarcastic
  2. Genuine
  3. Sarcastic
  4. Genuine
  5. Genuine
  6. Genuine
  7. Genuine
  8. Sarcastic
  9. Sarcastic
  10. Genuine

Don’t get too upset if you didn’t do so well, because let’s face it, there’s really no way you could’ve known for a few of those. 


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