In Which Many Shocking Revelations are Made

Damn straight.

Lately, I have discovered through the use of research, logic, and a complete disregard for privacy, many horrific truths belonging to the bloggers who follow me. Because I am a man of honor, I will not be able to sleep tonight without having revealed these secrets to the world. I’m sure some of you will simply dismiss me as a crazy conspiracy theorist. But I think before doing that, you should read the wise words of a user on urban dictionary:

A conspiracy theorist in today’s society is considered a lunatic who makes stories or “false” alternatives up for attention, when in reality, a conspiracy theorist is one of the only beings today capable of critical thinking and actually considering the supposed “truth” handed down to them from the government.

It’s really sad how today’s people are brainwashed to think that everything someone says is true just because they are in charge, and they are taught to never ask questions, and to think that they could even consider calling someone who doesn’t follow blindly like the other sheep, is ridiculous.

This anonymous user on the internet has spoken. If you don’t believe me, you’re merely a sheep being brainwashed by the government, and you need to wake up.

The first thing I noticed is that many of my followers are not who they say they are. For instance, Gwendolyn from Apprentice, Never Master is quite clearly Jennifer Lawrence in disguise. You could tell since they’re around the same age, I think, and you’ve never seen the two of them in the same room together.

This one may be slightly less obvious, but after much investigation I’ve concluded that Engie, at Musings from Neville’s Navel, is also not who she says she is.

Take the ‘i’ in ‘Engie’ and replace it with an ‘r’. Rearrange the letters and what do you have? Green. John Green, Engie’s true identity. And where in the United States, exactly, does John Green live? That’s right, Indiana, the same state where “Engie” has claimed to live her whole life. She may have tried to throw us off the scent by pretending to dislike his work, but she hasn’t fooled me.

And yet, that’s not the most shocking thing I’ve discovered about some of my followers. Did you know that when he isn’t writing, Liam, Head Phil spends his time as a masked vigilante? Yep, he fights crime among the gritty streets of New York using nothing but his fists, and of course his extraordinary ability to control paper clips with his mind.

(That’s right, Liam, you have been outed. Your family and friends are probably in grave danger, so I suggest moving them to a safe area for a while and faking your own death.)

In other news, The Legendary Miko is a crazed serial killer/kidnapper. There are warrants for her arrest in thirty-seven and a half countries across the world. In some indigenous tribes in Africa, the term for “Devil” and “Trickster” are synonymous with “Miko,” thanks to her enormous influence and reputation. Of course, she’s made no secret of her deviousness, so I can’t say this surprised me.

Alina doesn’t go shopping for food. Instead she goes outside with a very sharp stick, which she uses to kill squirrels and eat them raw. Her neighbors are very confused and disturbed by this behavior, but they accept her nonetheless, due to her great taste in TV.

It also needs to be said that the Plotwhisperer is allergic to shrimp.

Susannah Martin is an evil villain who is currently planning to take over New York City and to defeat Liam, Head Phil, her arch-nemesis. She hates paper clips with a passion.

Nirvana is an American rock band that was formed by singer/guitarist Kurt Cobain and bassist Krist Novoselic in Aberdeen, Washington in 1987.

Chloe at Free as a Girl with Wings is a werewolf, but she’s very self-conscious about it, so don’t tell anyone.

And that is all, for now. If you follow me and haven’t been mentioned here, that just means you either don’t have any huge secret, or I just haven’t found it out yet. If it’s the latter, be prepared, because you will be exposed.


19 thoughts on “In Which Many Shocking Revelations are Made

  1. No wait … I lied and now I remember!! I am allergic to something. That’s right, I’m allergic to the Aussie outback. Crikey!! (Picture Crocodile Dundee as you read this and you’ll understand why!) 🙂

    1. I’m sorry John, but the truth had to come out eventually.

      Though to be fair, it was only a matter of time before someone put the clues together. I mean, you and John Green have way too much in common. You have hair, he has hair. You wear glasses, he wears glasses. Not to mention, you use all of John Green’s catchprases in your own writing, such as “the” and “be” and “to” and “and.”

  2. YOU MONSTER. *pulls down mask* You will feel the wrath of my paper clips! …Magnets. Why did it have to be magnets?

    Well, you got me to comment for the first time in forever lalala a very long time. I apologize for that, but I haven’t been able to comment on any blogs lately. That said, if you’re going to invoke my superhero identity, make sure you link to it.

    But don’t rest easy, dear Matthew. You aren’t the only one who knows secrets.

    1. Wait a minute, does this mean you are both Captain America and Captain Paperclips at the same time? I tip my hat to you, sir, for being so dedicated to the well-being of others.

      *quivers* I hope you didn’t find out about my plan to hijack the TCWT site and use it to brainwash teen writers all over the world. That would be very awkward, if so.

  3. Oh my word… this is… shocking. I had no idea… that I was surrounded by all these… I don’t think I can ever get over this sense of betrayal…

    Anyway. You have just gained a follower. (I don’t know why I didn’t follow before.) I am most curious to hear what secret you think I’m keeping.

    1. Yay, a new follower!

      *eyes suspiciously* Wait a minute, are you. . . a ghost? I can tell because your username has three ‘o’s in it, which when put right next to each other spell, “ooo,” which is exactly the sound a ghost makes. Don’t worry though; your secret is safe with me. Until the next revelation post, at least.

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