Plans for Summer

I don’t quite understand this quote.

Those of you who’ve been following my blog for over a year now, should know about a certain condition I have. It’s a very serious illness, known as “Mentalgenophobaticanastesiosis,” and is most commonly found in sixteen year old males with the initials M.B., who also have a pre-existing condition known as the “font fetish,” but let’s not go into that right now.

The only known cure for this illness is found in a rare flower, indigenous to the coast of New Zealand, known as the Tulrose, which is a bizarre cross between a tulip and a rose. Unfortunately this flower has appeared to have gone extinct, so I’m going to have to wait a few months for the symptoms to go away. One of these symptoms is the tendency to ignore my blog, and writing in general, in favor of just about anything else. This always take place during the summer, when I have the most free time, which is perhaps the most frustrating type of irony there is.

Classes ended two days ago, but I’m already starting to slack. For instance, I was planning to write a post all week, but I was distracted by this fancy app (Fun Run) on my phone and started playing that for an hour or so. Then my phone died, and I thought, “Good, time to work on that post,” but then I felt hungry and decided that those chocolate chip cookies my mom bought earlier that day desperately needed to be eaten, and then I visited a Game of Thrones forum and got in an argument with a guy who hated Sansa Stark, and I was all “What? You can’t hate on Sansa, she’s fabulous!” But back to the point:

This summer will be different (fingers crossed), because I’ll have a job, (or at least, I’ll be looking for one) and I’ll be learning to drive (driving is fun), I also have a passable social life (love those) and I’ll be working on that novel I failed to finish (it will win a Pulitzer Prize) along with the More Than I Can Chew posts (sorry it’s taking so long, I’m stuck between two projects). I’ll also be trying to visit Six Flags as much as humanly possible, which should give me time to think up lots of writing material while I’m waiting in all those lines. But I also kept myself mostly busy last summer, and I still barely posted. So here are some things I’m doing to avoid wasting my entire summer.

1: I will get my more dedicated followers to bug me if I don’t post for more than three days. I want you to comment saying something like, “Hey Matt, write a goddamn post, you lazy bastard.” You know, just as a reminder that this blog does, in fact, exist. You could be as rude as you want and I’ll still thank you. Keep in mind that I love comments more than anything else in the world, and I (almost) always respond, plus I’ll usually check out the commenter’s blog. So commenting is a win-win situation for both of us.

2: If I go more than two weeks without posting, just assume I’m dead. After all, I plan to go on a dangerous quest to avenge my third cousin’s uncle’s death, and I might not return with my life. So me no longer being alive is a very plausible explanation for my absence. If I am alive, that means I’m either being extensively tortured by a sadistic psychopath, or I’ve been kidnapped by the Legendary Miko. Probably both. Either way, feel free to leave a bunch of heartfelt comments saying how great of a guy I was, and to confess any romantic feelings you may have for me, because let’s face it: we all know you do.

If I know you’re all going to assume I died if I don’t post, I’ll force myself to write something, to spare you all the emotional pain.

3: I will vacuum the pool a lot. I have a sexy pool in my backyard, one that you’re all free to swim in this summer, providing you let me know ahead of time. (I don’t like to unexpectedly find strangers swimming in my pool.) Anyway, it always falls on me to be the one vacuuming it, and while I don’t enjoy the job, it does give a lot of time to think, providing I’m not be harassed by that one fly that keeps flying around my face. I usually think of a lot of golden writing material here, most of which I forget by the time I get a chance to write it down. I even came up with a theme song for that obnoxious fly:

“I’m a cool bug,

and I’m here to stay.

I’m bringing bugs back in a brand new way.”

I forgot the rest.

Anyway, this is where I tend to think of post ideas, and some specific jokes and sentences I’d like to include in them. Now if only I had a waterproof laptop with me so I could write all the ideas down the moment I get them…

(And to think, some mother from a third world country is saying to their child “How can you complain about poverty and disease, when there are kids in America who don’t even have waterproof laptops? Have you no sense of perspective?” And that thought makes me feel terrible. Excuse my while I donate to Care.org.)

So yeah, that’s all. If you’re reading this and you’re afraid I’ll stop posting forever, don’t think, “Better just unfollow now.” Instead, think, “It’s time to harass the shit out of him until he writes a new post.” I wouldn’t think any less of you for it.

Besides, writing is one of those things I can’t not do. No matter how long I’m gone, I will always come back, with a vengeance. Unless I’m dead. If that’s the case, refer back to #2.

  • I’m reading The Way of Kings, by Brandon Sanderson, after taking a break from it for a while. Sanderson’s a boss.
  • I didn’t write a review for last week’s Game of Thrones episode, so I’ll write a short one here: It was good, but I would’ve loved it so much more if I hadn’t read the books. I’d spoil a few things if I were to elaborate further.
  • I’d like to write a young adult murder mystery. We need more of those.
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46 thoughts on “Plans for Summer

  1. Okay, well I’ll comment everyday (well….mostly everyday….I may forget or, you know, die or something) until you write a new post.
    More specifically, I’ll comment everyday until you write a new post/ section of the More Than I Can Chew story because the first thing I think of when I get onto wordpress is “I wonder if Matt has posted a new chapter yet….”
    So GET TO WRITTIN MATTY BOY (yup…I’m gonna call you that now)

      1. Good, because I was going to use it anyways.
        And I kind of forgot to comment yesterday…so I’m doing it today.
        COME ON NOW POST SOMETHING THE WORLD CAN’T ROTATE IF YOU’RE NOT WRITING
        And oh…okay, I forgive you.

  2. I had a job like this once. I was assigned to squeeze a post out of a fellow blogger at least once a week for a year. I never knew how annoying procrastination could be until then. Although I admire your resolution, I hope you’ll excuse me from yelling at you. My voice is still hoarse.

  3. I’ll be doing the same with Kings Dominion…ahhh happy memories…

    And you can guarantee I will bug you..I will annoy you! I will leave the most horrendous, very offensive comments, just to get you to write. Be prepared. *hears Scar singing in the background*

    And you got it wrong. It’s sadistic sociopath. SOCIOPATH. Geez. You think you’d know your stalker by now. And of course I have very romantic feelings for you. Would you be a victim if I weren’t?

    I also will be stuck with pool duty this summer as well…and it is not so fun…

    You also have anime to watch!!!!!!! *super enthusiastic face*

    1. Well, now I’m frightened. But can’t you be a psychopath and a sociopath at the same time? And aw, you have romantic feelings for me? Unfortunately I’m taken (no, you can’t kill her. I forbid it).

      Pools are fun, until you have to clean it.

      Hmm, I don’t think I’ve ever watched anime before. Does Avatar: the Last Airbender count? That show was awesome.

      1. No you can’t! You can’t! Two separate things. I am not psycho. Humph.

        And damnit. I was too late. *Baaaaby come baaaaackkkk* And it’s not called killing. It’s called playing with life. Can I play with her?

        (Okay…even I’ll admit that came off creepy)

        The bugs are the worst part..and so is changing the filter.

        Well…Avatar was quite good. That is my childhood. Right there. I still get teary whenever I hear Soldier Boy… and my friends like to sing it for that reason. But no.. Avatar doesn’t really count as anime. It’s listed under Cartoons.

    1. **SPOILERS FOR A GAME OF THRONES**

      Sansa improves a lot as the series goes on. I only started to like her after her father died, and my respect for her only increased from that point. I think she’s much stronger than she gets credit for.

      1. Ah, okay. That makes sense then. Because although I didn’t hate her in the first book, I found her kind of foolish. But now that she’s with Joffrey at his castle and everything is falling to pieces I think she’s definitely becoming more mature.

      1. But then you’d be missing out on the direct rays of sunlight hitting you and exposing you to all that delightful radiation, and that’s half the fun!

  4. Sup, Matt. I’ve been following your blog for a while (as a fellow, even lazier young writer) and well, this maybe the first time I’ve commented, mainly because I tend to read your posts when I’m running late for school (like I currently am). So, I hereby promise that I’ll try and be a more active commenter for my summer-but guess what? I’ll need posts to comment on…
    And if not? Well, maybe I’ll have a crack at that young adult murder mystery, coming up with a conspiracy as to what happened to a certain Matt Black.
    -evil, nervous laughter-
    Peace.

      1. Yes(?!) and likewise. 🙂
        It suddenly feels fitting to be British (since in every American drama I’ve watched so far, the baddie is always an overly classy lad or lady from Southern England).
        All the best, Mr.Black.
        -more evil, nervous laughter, this time with a slight tone of insanity-

  5. Man, I remember lazy summers. Then in college I exacerbated things by behaving as though the world didn’t exist during Christmas break. Enjoy that taffy-like feeling.
    You should write a snarky post about Six Flags. I’d enjoy that.

    1. That is an excellent idea. There’s just so many things for me to complain about. Six Flags really needs to step up its game, at least in the lines department.

  6. Summer? Hell no it’s winter here and thankfully the ducted heating works like a charm. I also have one of those artificial flame heaters (so tacky) in my study so I can stare thoughtfully into the flames while thinking about what to write. Young Adult mystery novel huh? I just read The Goldfinch by Donna Tart. It won the Pulitzer. So many drug sessions in that book, I’m not kidding! 🙂

    1. I’d gloat, but it’s so hot here I’m starting to miss winter. Sure, I won’t miss the cold, but I will miss snowboarding (and more importantly, the waffle cabins they have at ski resorts).

      Sounds interesting, perhaps I should kidnap Donna Tart and make her write another novel under my name…

  7. I have never met deep summer. Normally, in summer, I’m even busier than I am during the school year :’-(
    Also, Miko’s a psychopath? Wow, you don’t say. 😛

    1. You are lucky, I think. During the school year there’s never enough time for anything, and then comes Summer, which for me is just a three month blob of nothingness.

      Technically he’s a sociopath, according to him at least. 🙂

  8. I have this delicate affliction called “Blogscrollitis,” where I basically scroll down people’s blogs late at night, even when I know I’ve read all the posts, just to make sure I’ve read all the posts.

    And EVERY time I get to this post, I tried to decode the word “Mentalgenophobaticanastesiosis.” Because I have a degree in dead languages, and believe it or not, picking apart words for their roots is fun for me. EVERY time, I get about half way through before I realize I’m looking at a non-sensical keyboard smash.

    Well done. 🙂

    1. Non-sensical keyboard smash? Heh, as if! Mentalgenophobaticanastesiosis is totally a real word.

      (Also, I have the exact same affliction. Though sometimes I just like to keep clicking the “random post” button on the top bar thingy.)

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