TCWT March Blog Chain: A Letter to Voldemort

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TCWT Prompt:

“Write a letter to an antagonist.”

I know someone’s going to roll their eyes at this post due to the fact that I picked the most obvious villain to write a letter to. I have a good reason for this. While I was reading some other posts in this chain, there were many cases where I had no clue who the villain the person was writing to was, and didn’t bother to read it because I knew there would probably be spoilers or I wouldn’t get any of the jokes, and I bet a lot of other people felt the same way. So I picked a villain that just about everyone knows about: He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

photo credit: wikipedia

(This letter takes place directly in the beginning of the Order of Phoenix)


Dear Voldemort,

Hello, Tom. Can I call you Tommy? Tommy’s a great name. I once knew an older kid named Tommy who used to sell me candy for cheap prices. He has now become a drug dealer, which admittedly isn’t the best profession, but he’s doing a great job at it, so good for him.

Anyway, I’d like to congratulate you for your grand return to human form—or whatever type of snake-like creature you’ve managed to turn yourself into. You should have seen Harry’s face at the end of the triwizard tournament! He was crying his eyes out over Edward Cullen’s dead body and was trying to convince everyone you were back. Don’t worry; almost no one believed him.

While I don’t wish to disturb you on your quest for the death of all muggles, squibs, mudbloods and half-bloods, I do ask for a few favors. Actually, they’re more like demands, and you will follow them because I currently have a team of sniping ninjas watching you, aiming their guns at your forehead as you read this.

Allow me to explain to a wizard like you: a gun is very much like a wand, except there’s not much of a counter-jinx, they’re extremely deadly, they have near-perfect aim, and instead of having to think up a spell and waving your hand around, you just have to pull a trigger and your target is dead. A sniper rifle is a gun, except it has even better accuracy. By the time you’ve gotten this letter I’d have called them with my cell phone (it’s a muggle device that allows you to talk or send an instant message to someone within seconds) and told them that if you don’t nod your head about 90 seconds into reading this message, they have full permission to blow your head off.

Now is about the time you should nod your head. Did you do it? Good.

I really don’t understand why you wizards refuse to use muggle technology, when most of it is much more efficient than your traditional magical ways. I’m glad you don’t though, because at the moment I have the upper hand. (ha!)

My demands are these:

  1. Send me some Felix Felicis. Finals is only a couple of months away for me and it would be really cool to win the lottery. Also you probably should have drank some of this the moment you came back to human form. I’m just saying, maybe Harry might not have gotten away.

  2. Keep Bellatrix on a leash please, before she ends up killing someone I like. Actually, nevermind. What’s the worst she could do? It’s not like she’d kill her own cousin or anything.

  3. You and your death eater pals must make a video of you doing the Harlem Shake. It better be insane. I want you to do the worm, I want Wormtail in a Spiderman costume and I want Snape to be that one guy who stands completely still in the corner. I sent you a video camera along with this, so you should have gotten it by now.

  4. You must give Neville a hug. He deserves it.

If you carry out with these demands I will not only spare your life but I’ll even give you some muggle supplies and help you out with killing Harry Potter. I want him dead, because he gets really angsty throughout his fifth year, and no one really likes that.

Wishing you luck in killing thousands of innocent souls,


Want to follow our blog chain? Here are the participating parties, day by day:

March 5th –   

March 6th –

March 7th –

March 8th –

March 9th –

March 10th –

March 11th –

March 12th –

March 13th –

March 14th –

March 15th –

March 16th –

March 17th –

March 18th –

March 19th –

March 20th –

March 21st –

March 22nd –

March 23rd –

March 24th –

March 25th –

March 26th –

March 27th –

March 28th (We’ll announce the topic for next month’s chain.)


6 thoughts on “TCWT March Blog Chain: A Letter to Voldemort

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